Weird I know, but drizzling higher resolutions onto a console game that previously had no lighting system and instead relied on textures to complement each other in their shared darkness has rendered the game stark and unlovely. What's more, Resi 4 simply doesn't look as good on PC as it did back on my lowly GameCube a couple of years ago. I played this abhorration with a 360 pad in the end - but even then I had to alt tab out to find out exactly how the buttons were numbered in my computer's control panel. Controls are entirely keyboard-based - and as soon as one of the game's Fahrenheit-style timed button-bashing sequences kicks in, you'll get requests like 'Button 5 and button 6!', and you'll be staring at your tildes, inserts and right-shifts in shock, horror and growing nausea.

Well, use your imagination - you're pretty f***ed. Let's imagine you don't have a gamepad and you want to play Resi 4 on PC. A console port so insultingly cut-and-pasted that its menu systems make you weep, its refusal to recognise even the existence of a mouse makes you incensed with anger and its insistence on showering one of the greatest games of the past decade in noxious shit makes you gag.

In All Honesty, I didn't realise they still peddled shite like this.